From a talk I gave at church Jan 8, 2011:
The last several weeks--I spent a lot of time with family and have had several interesting experiences running into and catching up with friends and acquaintances. One of the results is that I have spent a lot of time thinking about relationships and the impact they have on both our daily lives and our spiritual development.
Christ has told us that the greatest commandment after loving God is to love our neighbor. Further, in the LDS faith, our belief that through temple ordinances families can be together forever, and that those eternal relationships are central to the process of returning to our father in heaven places relationships centrally in our faith. At the every least, we understand that the way we treat others and the relationships we form are very much connected to our relationship with God.
People often say that the key to any relationship is trust--certainly that holds true in romantic relationships, not to mention family relationships, friendships, and even relationships we form in our communities and professional lives. In my experience, however, trust is often a difficult concept to really understand let alone to build and maintain. When misunderstood, “trust” can make doormats of some and cynics of others.
I trust--or if we can use its more common religious synonym, faith--must always be centered in Christ if it is to truly transform our relationships.
Elder Dennis E Simmons, in his April 2004 General Conference Address explains,
“Faith is not bravado, not just a wish, not just a hope. True faith is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ--confidence and trust in Jesus Christ that leads a person to follow Him.”
Of course, we often quote the fourth article of faith--that the first principle of the gospel is faith, and more importantly, faith in the lord Jesus Christ--but, what does that really mean and how does having faith enable our ability to love and to trust and to built eternal relationships with others.
When I was a student at BYU, I took a religion class from a professor who had also spent 2 decades as a professional family therapist. One of the comments he made has stuck with me over the years and had a dramatic influence on my life. He explained, that faith is the key to loving others people. But, we don’t put our faith in people so much as in Christ. you see, people are imperfect. Despite our best efforts--and in many case, we may not even be able to muster best efforts--we will inevitably make mistakes that hurt those we love. Thus, even in the best of circumstances, our faith in people may fail. However, faith in Christ allows us to trust him in two ways. First, it allows us to believe that the Lord is in control of our lives. That all of our experiences, good and bad, though maybe not dictated by the Lord are at least consecrated (made holy) by the Lord. And secondly, that when we are inevitably hurt from opening our hearts to others, his Grace is sufficient to heal the wounds that cannot be fixed by those who caused them.
Over the years, I’ve spent a lot of time studying pondering this idea and I have found that the scriptures and the words of modern prophets not only support its validity, but provide meaningful insights on applying this principle to real life relationships. There are a lot of things I could share--and probably a lot of better things that other people with far more experience and wisdom than me could say about it. But, I’d like to share two ideas that have been particularly meaningful in my own life.
Trusting in the Lord doesn’t mean giving up our hopes and dreams.
Often, when life doesn’t go the way we planned, we talk about trusting in the Lord’s plan and in his timetable. Now, don’t get me wrong, I whole-heartedly believe this. But, I think sometimes we misinterpret the idea, believing that God’s will is somehow intrinsically opposed to our own desires; trusting that there is a magical alternative--that God will change our desires.
I think the word desire is interesting. Often, in a religious context, we associate it with impulses that are carnal or contrary to God’s commandments. However, one of my favorite scriptures talks about the value of righteous desires. D&C 6: 8 reads: “Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be unto you; and if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation.”
I am impressed that the Lord trusts and honors our righteous desires.
I had a life long desire to serve a mission, assuming I made it to 21 still single. When I turned 21 I was not nearly as surprised as I thought I might be that I was still single. So, I put a lot of thought and prayer into making the decision to serve or not to serve a mission. Despite my desires I never felt at peace with the idea. Even when I would consult with family and friends their response was not nearly as supportive as I thought it would be, along the lines of: “Oh, that’s a nice idea... Really?!?” As I prayed for direction in my life I came across this scripture in 1st Nephi: And the spirit said unto me, Behold What desirest thou? (1 Nephi 11:2:)
The more I looked the more I found that the Lord often asks that we reveal our desires. The Lord is not asking to find out what we want to do but rather what is it that we want to receive from the opportunities we desire. So I made a list of what I wanted from a mission and brought that list to the Lord, asking again, if I should pursue those desires. The answer that came to me in a moment of quite reflection was very clear, very pervasive: If what I really wanted was to go on a mission then I could go and be happy. But if I was willing to have a little faith the Lord would reveal other things He had in store for me.
I didn’t go and continued on with my life. After some time had passed I had the chance to catch up with an old friend who had gone through a similar experience but decided to serve a mission. Over lunch I was able to realize that everything that I had put on that list had come to pass, that I had realized all that and more; and such a way that I would say that I received exponential returns on my desires by following the path that I choose.
We are terribly short sited, and so when we offer our heart and desires to the Lord we can be guided in ways that will bless us and the people around us. The path that is laid out by the Lord may be unintuitive but it will get us where we want to go with the added benefit of filling our hearts and making our relationships stronger.
The second idea relates to the power of faith to heal our hearts.
The second idea relates to the power of faith to heal our hearts. As I prepared for today, I came across a passage in Psalms I had never taken notice of before. In the first verses Psalms 13, King David laments:
How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? How long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? How long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
I am certain that many, if not all, of use here today have faced moments (and sometimes very long moments) in life where we have felt as David did--forgotten, alone, having sorrow in our heart daily.
Sometimes, we feel frustrated by daily challenges—even small ones like my laptop cord disappearing yesterday and we have to take it in stride. But other times we face really big trials, so big that we can’t say things are ok; trial I call “conditions of mortality”—such as illness, death, loss and physical, emotional and mental disabilities that often emerge regardless of our choices and actions.
Sometimes our trials we face are the product of our own poor choices, bad judgements, or individual weaknesses. And sometimes, it is the failings and actions of others that bring us suffering and pain.
But, what I love about Psalm 13 is not just the relatability of the first few verses, but the contrast of those all-to-familiar pleas with the final few verses. You see, David begins “sorrowing in his heart daily” but a few short lines later, his tone changes and he concludes:
“But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.”
Now, unless you’re Pollyanna (which am not), happiness, beauty and joy don’t always spring forth instantly from pain and sorrow. Sure, there are times when we can easily see the silver lining of life’s storm clouds in our lives. But, at least for me, the days I find myself pleading with the Lord--wondering if I really am as completely alone as I feel--are the days when the entire sky seems dark.
In his Oct 2008 conference talk, Elder Joseph B. Worthlin quotes his mother who was known to say, “Come what may, and love it.” Elder Worthlin goes on to explain,
“How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t--at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretend happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life. If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.”
Certainly, pain and sorrow can build character and can provide opportunities to develop and discover strength we did not know we had. But I think the ultimate source of joy comes out of sorrow comes when we hand our heart to the lord. When we lay our heart at the lord’s feet and acknowledge that, though we may be powerless to overcome the pain that life has cause, HIS grace is sufficient.
I can’t say that I know how to explain why the simple act of opening our heart to the lord allows us to be filled with his love and grace--and certainly we don’t have time to explore the subtleties of the process. But, I can speak to you from experience, that one of the greatest blessings of the atonement is that it allows us to sorrow but not despair.
As I sat, overwhelmed by the grief of loosing a friend, and talking with my mother she said: “Some days you just have to honor your grief. Later it will be ok. For now just lay your heart at the feet of the Lord and He will eventually heal you.” That we can walk through the trials of life, we can allow ourselves to pass through the dark times and feel the weight of sorrow and grief, because we trust that it will not last--we know that ultimately, his grace is sufficient.
That’s not to say that we should be reckless with our hearts--that we should allow those who cannot or will not hold sacred the trust we give them to perpetually harm us--certainly not. But, I think we can enter and navigate relationships from a position of realistic hope instead of naive idealism or overwhelming fears when we recognize that it is the Lord’s grace the fills in the gaps.
I think as we struggle through life and we engage with those around us and fill our life with those relationships that are meant to be eternal it becomes apparent that all this is only possible through the atonement of Christ.
I think one of the most beautiful experiences is to be able to look back on pain and feel at peace--to know that it was real and yet to know that our hearts are whole. In that miracle we find the strength to forgive, to change, to allow others the opportunity to change, and when necessary, to make difficult decisions about our life and our relationships that ultimately bring us closer to God.
